I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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