I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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