I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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