I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
