Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
