all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
