I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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