Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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