so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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