there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
