So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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