You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
