Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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