he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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