i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
