the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
