i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
