My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
