sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
