It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
