cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
