FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
