census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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