sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
