if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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