Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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