I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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