dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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