I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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