I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
