it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
