i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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