So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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