he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
