Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
