your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
