I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
