i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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