She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
