i just sent this text using only my big toe
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
