Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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