So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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