If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The adults are the big ones right?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
