he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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