We got so high we made milksteak
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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