I wish my penis had an off switch
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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