so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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