1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize