If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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