so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
