my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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