He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
