i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
