Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
