I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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