the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
