he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
