Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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